And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose...
This weekend, I had to deal with a huge disappointment. When I arrived at the airport, all packed, ready to go, tickets triple/quadruple checked, I was turned away. I had done everything right, except that I was unaware that my passport couldn't expire within 6 months of my trip to board the plan. Which was a pretty low blow, since I had intentionally chosen to wait to renew it until I returned from this trip.
You see, I'm supposed to be walking the streets of sunny & warm Jerusalem with my uncle, sharing in his love for the city and fulfilling a lifelong dream. But, because of a silly technicality, and a very unemotional, "I'm sorry ma'am, but you will not be boarding this flight this evening," I had to send my uncle the message, "They won't let me board the plane," tried to talk to someone who would help me, and then holding in my tears, made the walk back to the tube, to return to my flat, instead of going through security and waiting to board my flight. And I went home and cried my eyes out. So Saturday morning, rather than arriving in Jerusalem at 6:30am, I woke up in my bed in London, and was assaulted by a very unexpected surge of insecurity-filled thoughts...and I went into hiding. I hid from life, hid from embarrassment, and hid from my emotions.
And, about half way through my day on Sunday, Romans 8:38-39 became reality. It says, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." In all honesty, the last few months have been a bit of a struggle for me. It's not an easy thing, being separated from the people who often were the ones to encourage and sharpen you, pushing you onwards. I've felt incredibly distant from not just the people I love, but from God as well. I've had really great moments with Him, don't get me wrong, but it has often felt like those moments were few and far between, and the gaps filled instead with a feeling of being in the desert. But through my tears, and insecurity, God broke through. In my disappointment, I began to feel his presence, like I haven't in what feels like a very long time, in this. I also received support from heart friends, who, instead of calling me out in my wallowing, showed love, grace, and took the time to really encourage me & point me toward hope. Beyond that, I began to feel that this happened for a reason. Once I was able to lift my head out of the fog of disappointment, I felt like there was a reason I was finding myself in London, that there is something really important for me here. And what's really cool, is that I have had several trusted people from home confirm that they've had the same feeling about my trip as well.
So I guess this is my way of saying, this weekend did not go the way I had planned it to go. Don't think I'm posting this for sympathy, but instead, while I'm beyond disappointed, I just wanted to share my story of seeing God's hand active in my life. Honestly, I don't know why I'm not in Israel right now, but, even if just for the fact that I've felt his presence closer than I have in a long time, that's enough for me. And, just because I wasn't able to go over this term break, doesn't mean that I'll never make it to Israel. I think that for this point in my life, the answer is simply a "not right now."
AND - I still get to look forward to my wonderful Mama & Gramma arriving in London on Wednesday, which definitely softened the blow!
