This summer, God took me on two very cool, but very different adventures. The first was my trip to Kenya, where I got to unplug and travel half way across the world with 27 of my fellow teaching students to learn about the Maasai Community. (To read more about that adventure check out my post here.)
Then a month later, He called me to travel again. This time, not across the ocean, but 5 hours north, to a camp in Port Sydney, Ontario. Little did I know that this was going to be one of the most difficult (but rewarding) tasks of my life. After having just travelled halfway across the world without any issues, I figured, 5 hours from home? No big. I've got this...
...Then I got there.
Now, I'm a fan of being obedient to God, don't get me wrong...But when He told me to go to camp, all I could think of was: "But God, what about all of my plans?" My whining didn't get me anywhere though, He remained steadfast in His answer, and I'm so glad that He did. As I neared the date to head to camp, I began to grow more and more anxious about leaving everything I knew to go into an environment that I had never been in before, with a bunch of strangers I had never met. In theory I knew there were going to be really cool experiences and friendship made. The security in knowing that wasn't sinking in, however, and I began to dread going to Camp. Even when I left home to drive to camp, I ended up avoiding going there and driving about 30 minutes past the camp, just trying to convince myself to turn around and arrive at camp. When I finally turned around and headed in the direction of camp, I managed to get lost in the camp and went to the site they have for younger campers, and had to go and find someone to help me with directions. Luckily, I managed to find the only person I remotely knew at camp, as she had interviewed me over the phone, and she helped me head to the right area of camp.
After that, began the awkward walk up to the group of happy staff being reunited, while being the one person who doesn't know anyone there. Luckily, this was a welcoming bunch, and they helped me to really feel comfortable those first new days, as I began to find out just what living at camp was all about. Let me tell you, it is unlike any other community I have ever been a part of. While I was at camp, over the summer God met me in really high times, and in really low times, taught me some awesome lessons about myself, and pointed out some areas where I still need grow in. He met me in silliness, sadness, and seriousness. He taught me so much more about worship and worship leading in this one summer, than I've learned in my 22 years of life. He taught me to look past the fronts that people present us with, and to look deep to the roots. He taught me how to love, when all I wanted to do was scream and run away. But most importantly He taught me about how much I need Him, and that only when I turn to Him will I find truth, peace, and purpose.
I wish I could say this summer was a breeze, and that camp life came super naturally to me. But if I said that, I would be lying. This summer was hard. I struggled often, and more times than I care to admit, I counted down how many days I had left there. But I also learned that sometimes when you're vulnerable with your struggles, people will rise up and speak life and truth for you, when you don't think you have the strength too. They will lend you a shoulder to cry on, until you're all cried out and ready to move past whatever is going on. They will encourage you, with little notes, and offhand remarks about how well you're doing. They will take the time to pray with you. Most of all, they will love you, even when you don't feel very loveable at all. I think that perhaps this summer, learning to be vulnerable, and allowing others and God to support me through the struggle, was a large part of why I was called to be the Worship Coordinator at a camp 5 hours away from home, completely removed from the safe communities, and networks I'm a part of. And if learning to rely on God was the only reason He had sent me to camp, it would be reason enough. Of course, that wasn't the only reason He sent me. He also provided me with great new friendships and experiences that helped to shape my summer, as well as to build more character in me, and to add to the woman I already was!
Sunday, 3 November 2013
Thursday, 24 October 2013
Dear 16 Year Old Me
Dear 16 year old Amanda,
Let me start by saying, you are beautifully and wonderfully made. This isn't a concept you are even close to being ready to accept yet, but no worries, you will finally get it...eventually. High school was so hard. I know you suffered deep hurts at the hands of people who should've been friends, teachers that should have been speaking life, and boys that should have been cherishing you. At this point in your life, you've just started dating "the one." (Just so you know, he's not actually "the one." Super great guy, but your 16 year old imagination is going to get WAAYY ahead of yourself, as well as God's timing. Your heart will be broken for a bit, but God's going to come and heal you in ways you didn't even know you needed to be healed) One of the biggest things I wish I could tell you, at this point, is that at 16 years old, you should NOT be dating with the intention of marriage. Believe it or not, this is going to be advice you will receive. These people speaking this to you have really good intentions, unfortunately, you needed someone to step up and begin to help you identify the lies that you are believing about yourself (which you'll get, in about 4 years). Instead, I wish I could tell you a few things about yourself, and who you are. Amanda, you are worthy of love. You do not need to earn it. I know you're tired of hearing Mom say it to you, over and over and over. Guess what, she's right. She's also going to become your best friend in a couple years, and you're really going to wish you had treated her and Dad better than you did at 16. You are so blessed. You have two parents that absolutely adore you, and two really great sisters that are looking up to you, and not really getting the greatest example from right now. (You're also going to get better at the whole setting a good example thing, no worries). Also, you are not defined by what others speak about you, call you, or how they treat you. You are a daughter of the most high King, and you deserve to be treated this way. There are going to be times when you don't even come close to living up to that title, but thankfully, God is a merciful God, and His grace will cover you.
You're going to make some pretty serious mistakes in the next couple years, Amanda. You're going to believe that the only reason you should be in a relationship is if you're going to marry them, and this is going to cause you to stumble for a time. You're going to take your faith off of God, and you're going to count on a guy instead, which is totally unfair to him. You're going to make compromises, out of a place of needing to feel love, and believing the lie that you have to earn it. You're going to be so attached to this guy you're with, that when God tells you to end it, you're going to ignore Him for a very long time, and it's going to cause much more heartache.
But, there's so much happiness that's still to come! God is going to absolutely wreck you, over and over and over with His loving mercy and grace. He's going to rise you up to places of leadership and authority that you never dreamed of. He's going to allow you to partner with Him to help people break the chains of MAJOR spiritual bondage in their lives. And best of all, He's going to give you hope. Right now, I know you're so filled with hopelessness. You're distracted right now, with new love on the horizon. You think this is going to fill the void that was created by years of low self-esteem, self-hate, and words filled with hate from others. It's not, only God can do that. I wish I could go back in time and tell you that God's the only way you're going to get over some of those deeps wounds that have caused you to feel dead inside. You're so ashamed of some of the things you've done, and some of the choices you've made. Even though you've tried to escape it, it feels like everywhere you turn the accuser is throwing the evidence of your unworthiness in your face, and the people around just don't seem to be able to forget. Believe it or not, some people just aren't going to let it go, but you, darling, are going to learn to let it go.
You're going to meet amazing people, make incredible heart friends, and meet the God you've been holding at an arms length for so long. You're going to learn that regardless of what you've done in the past, God will continue to take you as you are, over and over again. Your story hasn't even begun yet. God has SO MANY amazing things in store for you, and while a part of me wishes I could go back in time so you don't have to go through those things, those things are going to serve such a huge role in being able to get the freedom that you have today.
And just so you know, no matter what anyone says, you embrace that romantic heart of yours. Keep praying for your husband, and believe that in His time, God's going to bring Him to you. You do not have your head in the clouds. It's going to be hard, but after you get a chance to find your identity, you're going to be more and more passionate about waiting for a man that is after God's heart, and he is going to cherish you. But, until then, enjoy God's relentless pursuit of your heart. He loves you beyond all reason, and it's all going to be all right.
Love, 22 Year Old Amanda
P.S. You remember when you were told that you would never make it to university, let alone teacher's college? You're not only going to make it into university, you're going to get into Concurrent Education, and be on track to graduate by the time you're writing this letter. Atta girl! :)
You're going to make some pretty serious mistakes in the next couple years, Amanda. You're going to believe that the only reason you should be in a relationship is if you're going to marry them, and this is going to cause you to stumble for a time. You're going to take your faith off of God, and you're going to count on a guy instead, which is totally unfair to him. You're going to make compromises, out of a place of needing to feel love, and believing the lie that you have to earn it. You're going to be so attached to this guy you're with, that when God tells you to end it, you're going to ignore Him for a very long time, and it's going to cause much more heartache.
But, there's so much happiness that's still to come! God is going to absolutely wreck you, over and over and over with His loving mercy and grace. He's going to rise you up to places of leadership and authority that you never dreamed of. He's going to allow you to partner with Him to help people break the chains of MAJOR spiritual bondage in their lives. And best of all, He's going to give you hope. Right now, I know you're so filled with hopelessness. You're distracted right now, with new love on the horizon. You think this is going to fill the void that was created by years of low self-esteem, self-hate, and words filled with hate from others. It's not, only God can do that. I wish I could go back in time and tell you that God's the only way you're going to get over some of those deeps wounds that have caused you to feel dead inside. You're so ashamed of some of the things you've done, and some of the choices you've made. Even though you've tried to escape it, it feels like everywhere you turn the accuser is throwing the evidence of your unworthiness in your face, and the people around just don't seem to be able to forget. Believe it or not, some people just aren't going to let it go, but you, darling, are going to learn to let it go.
You're going to meet amazing people, make incredible heart friends, and meet the God you've been holding at an arms length for so long. You're going to learn that regardless of what you've done in the past, God will continue to take you as you are, over and over again. Your story hasn't even begun yet. God has SO MANY amazing things in store for you, and while a part of me wishes I could go back in time so you don't have to go through those things, those things are going to serve such a huge role in being able to get the freedom that you have today.
And just so you know, no matter what anyone says, you embrace that romantic heart of yours. Keep praying for your husband, and believe that in His time, God's going to bring Him to you. You do not have your head in the clouds. It's going to be hard, but after you get a chance to find your identity, you're going to be more and more passionate about waiting for a man that is after God's heart, and he is going to cherish you. But, until then, enjoy God's relentless pursuit of your heart. He loves you beyond all reason, and it's all going to be all right.
Love, 22 Year Old Amanda
P.S. You remember when you were told that you would never make it to university, let alone teacher's college? You're not only going to make it into university, you're going to get into Concurrent Education, and be on track to graduate by the time you're writing this letter. Atta girl! :)
Tuesday, 27 August 2013
Travelling half way around the world... To learn to shut up.
As most of you know, 4 months ago I hopped on a plane and travelled to Kenya. I have wanted the opportunity to travel, particularly to Africa, for a very long time. So, when the chance to do a teaching placement in Africa arose, I jumped at the chance.
One of the big calls as a Christian is to "go and make disciples" and often this brings up the image of a person talking about Jesus. When I have reflected on doing Christianity, the thing I often felt I had to work on was courage to share my faith with those around me. While I still believe that there are times when we need to share about Jesus, I learned a lesson while I was in Kenya that taught me another important truth about myself as a follower of Christ.
Are you ready for it? As the name of this blog indicated, I learned that it's okay NOT to preach sometimes. Actually, what I've found is that shutting up can sometimes have much more impact. Let me set the stage a bit, so you get what I'm talking about. The group I went to Kenya with was not a "missionary group" but a teaching placement associated with my university. Actually, in my group, as a practicing Christian, I was definitely in the minority, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. The people I travelled to Kenya with are some of the most amazing people I've ever met. I learned so much from them. Along with everything I learned from my colleagues, God also had plans to teach me important lessons while I was away. Without the structure of a Christian missions trip, I had to rely on my own relationship with God, and be looking for opportunities to experience his presence in everyday moments, without the prompting of others. And God didn't leave me disappointed. He broke through many different experiences I had on the trip, often to teach me an important lesson about Him, or about who He says I am.
I had two very significant moments while on my trip, that didn't involve me talking at all, but rather, God broke through with truth that I was desperately needing in that moment. The first, occurred while we were on safari in the Maasai Mara. I was sitting quietly, still half a sleep, looking out at the incredible African landscape watching the beauty of the sunrise unfold in front of me, and in the moment God broke through and said, "The way you're looking in awe at this beauty is exactly the way I look at you & the way you deserve to be viewed by your future husband." What an amazing thing to hear from my Creator, about how He views me and loves me. The second, and potentially most important lesson I learned on my trip to Kenya happened while I was walking around the school yard with about six of my grade 3 students pulling me in different directions. In that moment God broke through and said, "You're bringing Jesus to these children, just by being here." It wasn't about anything I had said, or anything I had done, it was simply that as a child of Christ, I am a carrier of His presence, and that means that just by walking into a situation, I am bringing Jesus and His glory into that situation. This was one of the most powerful moments I've had in a very long time, and God has continued to remind me, since returning to Canada that as His child, I am a carrier of His presence, and it can change atmospheres.
Kenya was life changing. It has not only made me into a better teacher, but has transformed who I am as an individual in a very positive way. I WILL return one day, but until that is possible, I will cling to the amazing life lessons I learned there and continue to apply them to my life.
I had two very significant moments while on my trip, that didn't involve me talking at all, but rather, God broke through with truth that I was desperately needing in that moment. The first, occurred while we were on safari in the Maasai Mara. I was sitting quietly, still half a sleep, looking out at the incredible African landscape watching the beauty of the sunrise unfold in front of me, and in the moment God broke through and said, "The way you're looking in awe at this beauty is exactly the way I look at you & the way you deserve to be viewed by your future husband." What an amazing thing to hear from my Creator, about how He views me and loves me. The second, and potentially most important lesson I learned on my trip to Kenya happened while I was walking around the school yard with about six of my grade 3 students pulling me in different directions. In that moment God broke through and said, "You're bringing Jesus to these children, just by being here." It wasn't about anything I had said, or anything I had done, it was simply that as a child of Christ, I am a carrier of His presence, and that means that just by walking into a situation, I am bringing Jesus and His glory into that situation. This was one of the most powerful moments I've had in a very long time, and God has continued to remind me, since returning to Canada that as His child, I am a carrier of His presence, and it can change atmospheres.
Kenya was life changing. It has not only made me into a better teacher, but has transformed who I am as an individual in a very positive way. I WILL return one day, but until that is possible, I will cling to the amazing life lessons I learned there and continue to apply them to my life.
Thursday, 25 April 2013
The Looming Unknown
Right now, from where I'm sitting at my kitchen table at home, hanging out with my dad and getting ready to head down to the barn to help with chores, I just had a huge revelation. I just finished my fourth year of university, only have one more year left until I will be thrust into the real world, leave for Kenya in about 2 days, 20 hours, and 33 minutes, and still don't know what I'm going to be doing this summer to make money to pay for that last year of university. I don't know what my Kenya trip is going to look like, I don't know what I'm going to be doing this summer, or after this next school year for that matter. That's a lot of unknowns that I'm facing, and the thought of that terrifies me, but it seriously excites me at the same time!
This summer is unlike any other summer I've ever had. For starters, I'm going on the trip of a lifetime. I know it is going to be a significant step into my destiny, and even though I don't know what the trip is going to look like, exactly, I'm fine with that. Ultimately, I don't care what we do, because I've already made the decision that whatever comes my way, I'm going to make the best of it, and look for the good in every situation. Also, I've never been faced with not knowing what I'm going to be doing for the summer (job wise). It's always been something that has just fallen in my lap and usually a guaranteed position. So, as a person who likes to have a plan, this coming summer is seriously challenging me to trust that God's got my back, and somehow, I'm going to be able to afford to finish university. And while I haven't found a job yet, I trust that God's got a plan for this summer, and I just haven't stumbled upon it. While I have been turned down for several positions already, I still firmly believe that something is waiting for me. If God has taught me anything in my four years in university, it's that when we trust him with our finances, grades, living situations, etc. He always provides the best options.
It's usually at this point in a person's university career that people begin to ask, "so what comes next?" And my answer these days has become something a lot like: "Well, I could do this, or this, or this....So yeah, I have no idea." And this not only frustrates me, but it's also quite scary. Ultimately, I have no idea what the future holds, but I do know that it's full of good things, hard times, challenges, and victories. So friends, for the time being I have no idea what the future holds, and when I do, I'll definitely let you know. But for now, I think I'm just going to sit back and enjoy not knowing, pressing into God and falling more in love with Him. So, while I don't know what comes next, I'm going to cling to His promises that say, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." (Matt. 6:34) and "For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" (Jer. 29:11). I'd definitely appreciate prayers for my trip, and prayers for wisdom about what is next to come.
This summer is unlike any other summer I've ever had. For starters, I'm going on the trip of a lifetime. I know it is going to be a significant step into my destiny, and even though I don't know what the trip is going to look like, exactly, I'm fine with that. Ultimately, I don't care what we do, because I've already made the decision that whatever comes my way, I'm going to make the best of it, and look for the good in every situation. Also, I've never been faced with not knowing what I'm going to be doing for the summer (job wise). It's always been something that has just fallen in my lap and usually a guaranteed position. So, as a person who likes to have a plan, this coming summer is seriously challenging me to trust that God's got my back, and somehow, I'm going to be able to afford to finish university. And while I haven't found a job yet, I trust that God's got a plan for this summer, and I just haven't stumbled upon it. While I have been turned down for several positions already, I still firmly believe that something is waiting for me. If God has taught me anything in my four years in university, it's that when we trust him with our finances, grades, living situations, etc. He always provides the best options.
It's usually at this point in a person's university career that people begin to ask, "so what comes next?" And my answer these days has become something a lot like: "Well, I could do this, or this, or this....So yeah, I have no idea." And this not only frustrates me, but it's also quite scary. Ultimately, I have no idea what the future holds, but I do know that it's full of good things, hard times, challenges, and victories. So friends, for the time being I have no idea what the future holds, and when I do, I'll definitely let you know. But for now, I think I'm just going to sit back and enjoy not knowing, pressing into God and falling more in love with Him. So, while I don't know what comes next, I'm going to cling to His promises that say, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." (Matt. 6:34) and "For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" (Jer. 29:11). I'd definitely appreciate prayers for my trip, and prayers for wisdom about what is next to come.
Monday, 18 March 2013
4 years later
When I started university, I thought that I had pretty much figured out my life. I figured I was set. I knew I was headed to Laurier-Nipissing to take their Concurrent Education program, where I would get my Bachelor of Education and an honours BA in Contemporary Studies. I figured, once I graduated University, I would get married to my then-boyfriend of three years, settle down, get a teaching job, pop out a few kids, and have a pretty normal existence. Listening to what God wanted for my life and caring about what His plans involved wasn't something that I actively practiced, or something I really thought was a big deal. Little did I know that all of that was going change, drastically. Before you assume I've dropped out of school, rest assured, I'm still in University, and the plan is still to graduate and become a teacher. However, after that, pretty much everything else has changed, and for the better.
The changes started off more gradual. For starters, I added a double major in English, and a minor in Religion to my program. I also began to learn about what it meant to truly love Jesus, and to get freedom from the crap that I carried around for years. God's hand has been on me my whole life, I know, but never so obviously as it was when he sent me to an incredible church, in downtown Brantford, called Freedom House. It was at this church, where the important changes began. Not in a place where I was willing to give up on God, yet not sure about life and how to include Him in mine, I began to work through this while in my new "home away from home." On Tuesday nights, Freedom House holds a midweek service that simply consists of worship and prayer. This is where God began to grab a hold of my life, and I began to grab back at Him. Slowly but surely, I began to work through little amounts of my baggage, and slowly began to find freedom from it. And there was a lot of baggage to work through, believe me.
Now, with my first year of University under my belt, this is where one of the bigger changes occurred. I got a job working for Freedom House, and was getting ready to head back to Brantford, after a month of being home, working. I was now one of those girls who could throw her hands up in the air, and show off that bare left ring finger, and sing along with Beyonce's, "Single Ladies." However, this new singleness was not a result of someone "not putting a ring on it," but rather, I finally listened and obeyed God, and so did my boyfriend at the time. We both realized that while we had thought we would get married, and were often encouraged that marriage was in our future and should be our goal, we finally acknowledge that God had different and better plans for each of us. Now, I don't know if you've ever ended a long term relationship, but it's not the easiest thing to do. I had been tied to this person for 3 and a half years, and needless to say, the transition was not the easiest one in the world. However, it was in this transition that I began to find out who I am, who God is, and what I want out of life. As I began to separate myself from that relationship, I began to find out who I was on my own. Slowly but surely, I made the transition, and learned how much I need God in my life, and how I couldn't hack it on my own.
Since that fantastic summer, where I really started to break down the lies I had believed about myself, God, and life, I began to be transformed into a new creation in Christ. It hasn't been a perfect journey, there have been ups and downs, doubts, fears, and meltdowns; but through it all, God has remained the perfect and faithful God that his word promises He is. Where I'm sitting, with the Young Adults group that I now lead, four years later, as I prepare to travel to Africa in a month, and potentially teach overseas upon graduation, I look back on how far I've come, and there isn't one moment in my journey that I would trade. Everything that has happened to and through me to this point has contributed to making me into the woman of God that I am today, and am still becoming. I'm in no way perfect, and I still have a long way to go, but I know that God is proud of me, loves me, and has wonderful plans for my future, and I am beginning to be able to trust Him with those plans.
To finish off, I'd like to leave you with a few verses that the girls' group I attend, Princess Club, calls their creed. 1 Thessalonians 5:12-24 says:
The changes started off more gradual. For starters, I added a double major in English, and a minor in Religion to my program. I also began to learn about what it meant to truly love Jesus, and to get freedom from the crap that I carried around for years. God's hand has been on me my whole life, I know, but never so obviously as it was when he sent me to an incredible church, in downtown Brantford, called Freedom House. It was at this church, where the important changes began. Not in a place where I was willing to give up on God, yet not sure about life and how to include Him in mine, I began to work through this while in my new "home away from home." On Tuesday nights, Freedom House holds a midweek service that simply consists of worship and prayer. This is where God began to grab a hold of my life, and I began to grab back at Him. Slowly but surely, I began to work through little amounts of my baggage, and slowly began to find freedom from it. And there was a lot of baggage to work through, believe me.
Now, with my first year of University under my belt, this is where one of the bigger changes occurred. I got a job working for Freedom House, and was getting ready to head back to Brantford, after a month of being home, working. I was now one of those girls who could throw her hands up in the air, and show off that bare left ring finger, and sing along with Beyonce's, "Single Ladies." However, this new singleness was not a result of someone "not putting a ring on it," but rather, I finally listened and obeyed God, and so did my boyfriend at the time. We both realized that while we had thought we would get married, and were often encouraged that marriage was in our future and should be our goal, we finally acknowledge that God had different and better plans for each of us. Now, I don't know if you've ever ended a long term relationship, but it's not the easiest thing to do. I had been tied to this person for 3 and a half years, and needless to say, the transition was not the easiest one in the world. However, it was in this transition that I began to find out who I am, who God is, and what I want out of life. As I began to separate myself from that relationship, I began to find out who I was on my own. Slowly but surely, I made the transition, and learned how much I need God in my life, and how I couldn't hack it on my own.
Since that fantastic summer, where I really started to break down the lies I had believed about myself, God, and life, I began to be transformed into a new creation in Christ. It hasn't been a perfect journey, there have been ups and downs, doubts, fears, and meltdowns; but through it all, God has remained the perfect and faithful God that his word promises He is. Where I'm sitting, with the Young Adults group that I now lead, four years later, as I prepare to travel to Africa in a month, and potentially teach overseas upon graduation, I look back on how far I've come, and there isn't one moment in my journey that I would trade. Everything that has happened to and through me to this point has contributed to making me into the woman of God that I am today, and am still becoming. I'm in no way perfect, and I still have a long way to go, but I know that God is proud of me, loves me, and has wonderful plans for my future, and I am beginning to be able to trust Him with those plans.
To finish off, I'd like to leave you with a few verses that the girls' group I attend, Princess Club, calls their creed. 1 Thessalonians 5:12-24 says:
"Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak,be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
Do not quench the Spirit. Do not treat prophecies with contempt but test them all; hold on to what is good, reject every kind of evil.
May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it."
Thursday, 14 February 2013
Long Time Coming...
I wrote the following blog post several months ago, but never ended up publishing it. It's incredible looking back on the journey towards freedom that I walked through. I have seen the fruits from this freedom in my life, so I thought I would share that journey with you. If you're struggling with forgiving someone, I pray that God will give you the strength and courage to deal with it, and that you will begin to walk towards the freedom and healing that comes when we forgive.
Today was a great day! Let me tell you a bit about it... But first I should give you the background information.
Have you ever been confronted by a situation that you realize is bringing a huge portion of your crap to the surface, and you didn't even realize this huge issue was there, eating away at you, and then BAM there it is all big, ugly, and right there in your face? I went through this very situation about a month ago. I can't go into details, as the whole story isn't mine to tell, but I'll give you the important parts so that you're able to follow where I'm heading.
Let's refer to this situation as "the offense." what happened really isn't the important part, the important part comes later. So "the offense" happened, and I got really angry. Then, however, I began to notice that the anger I was feeling wasn't actually connected to what had happened in that moment. I began to be confronted by memories from my past, where I felt I had been wronged in a similar way. The memories of how I was treated, how I felt the other people involved responded, and ultimately how much all these things ended up affecting my life caused me to be very angry and bitter. Little did I know, these things had been eating away at me for over 6 years.
So, fast forward from that point to last week. I belong to this amazing small group, that consists of other ladies that want to build and grow in leadership. As often happens, once school starts, most of us had not had the time to read for our small group, so instead, we took the time to pray for and encourage each other. When it came my turn to be prayed for, I got many super encouraging words from my fellow leaders in the group, but one word from one of the girls had to do about the current state of my heart. My wonderful friend, while saying it totally in love, told me that God had shown her a picture of my heart, and that pieces of it had died, and appeared rotten. To go with that, she said that God was saying that while there were parts if my heart that were dead right now, that God was there, and he was going to bring life back to those places. At this point, all I knew was that she was right, there were dead places in my heart, I just didn't know what had "killed them", and how they could be brought back to life.
As many people in my life know, I have sought out mentoring from several very wise and wonderful ladies in leadership at the church that I attend. When I started recognizing this anger inside me, my mentor and I set up a meeting and decided we would tackle it, as I realized that the anger I was feeling was pretty deeply rooted.
Part of me didn't feel like dealing with this, because I knew it meant I had to get super vulnerable, and as often accompanies growth, I knew this was going to hurt...ALOT...before it got better. So when I walked into Krissy's house this morning, I felt this huge weight of anxiety and fear in my chest.
The fact of the matter is, I felt wronged. I felt that important and foundational spiritual and emotional needs had not been met in my life, and I wanted justice! So, rather than giving it over to God, my hurt and insecurities turned into unforgiveness and bitterness. And that unforgiveness was like poison to my heart, slowly but surely killing it piece by piece.
Now so far, this sounds like a pretty depressing story... I promise, it gets better!
So, like the good mentor that she is, Krissy agreed to help me work through this, since it would overwhelm me every time I tried to tackle it. So, we started off by asking God what was causing this anger, and continued on to ask him about where it had come from, to what lies I was believing about myself, based on what I had experienced years ago. So, slowly, with God's guidance, we began to work through why I was angry, and what the root of it was. Then it came time to forgive those people... And it was clear, I wasn't quite ready to let go of this quite yet, so we asked God why I didn't want to forgive them, and low and behold, He answered our question with a pretty blunt answer. You want to know what the answer was? I was afraid it was going to hurt too much to let go of it. And I realized that was true! This was something I had been carrying around with me for over six years! This was something I had gotten used to carrying around, so, of course it was going to hurt to deal with! On the other side, once you've found healing and forgiveness, it's easy to say, "the pain is worth it!" But, I'll be honest, I just didn't want to deal with the hurt! We kept digging in though, and asked God what forgiveness and letting go would do, and you'll never guess what I saw... I saw that dead and rotting heart that I talked about earlier, and a picture of my fist, clenched and holding on to the unforgiveness. And slowly, as my hand began to unclench and release the unforgiveness, I watched as those dead spots of my heart began to heal, and I heard the word "restoration."
You know what the best part is? He wasn't lying. As I began to pray once more for forgiveness and released the people I was holding in unforgiveness, I was overcome by an amazing sense of peace, and of the Holy Spirit washing over me, and restoring me! I can testify now, that the pain was worth it, as I walk around feeling joy and feeling a lightness that I hadn't felt when I was burdened with unforgiveness!
If you're struggling with unforgiveness, just know that God is there, just waiting to help you walk into freedom from it! Don't let it fester and grow and cause you to be taken more and more into captivity by it! Because He CAN walk you into a freedom you never knew you could walk in! And let me tell you, this freedom is sooooo much better than any skewed version of justice that you think unforgiveness is bringing you. Leave justice to God, I promise, he can see the whole picture, and He knows what He's doing!
Today was a great day! Let me tell you a bit about it... But first I should give you the background information.
Have you ever been confronted by a situation that you realize is bringing a huge portion of your crap to the surface, and you didn't even realize this huge issue was there, eating away at you, and then BAM there it is all big, ugly, and right there in your face? I went through this very situation about a month ago. I can't go into details, as the whole story isn't mine to tell, but I'll give you the important parts so that you're able to follow where I'm heading.
Let's refer to this situation as "the offense." what happened really isn't the important part, the important part comes later. So "the offense" happened, and I got really angry. Then, however, I began to notice that the anger I was feeling wasn't actually connected to what had happened in that moment. I began to be confronted by memories from my past, where I felt I had been wronged in a similar way. The memories of how I was treated, how I felt the other people involved responded, and ultimately how much all these things ended up affecting my life caused me to be very angry and bitter. Little did I know, these things had been eating away at me for over 6 years.
So, fast forward from that point to last week. I belong to this amazing small group, that consists of other ladies that want to build and grow in leadership. As often happens, once school starts, most of us had not had the time to read for our small group, so instead, we took the time to pray for and encourage each other. When it came my turn to be prayed for, I got many super encouraging words from my fellow leaders in the group, but one word from one of the girls had to do about the current state of my heart. My wonderful friend, while saying it totally in love, told me that God had shown her a picture of my heart, and that pieces of it had died, and appeared rotten. To go with that, she said that God was saying that while there were parts if my heart that were dead right now, that God was there, and he was going to bring life back to those places. At this point, all I knew was that she was right, there were dead places in my heart, I just didn't know what had "killed them", and how they could be brought back to life.
As many people in my life know, I have sought out mentoring from several very wise and wonderful ladies in leadership at the church that I attend. When I started recognizing this anger inside me, my mentor and I set up a meeting and decided we would tackle it, as I realized that the anger I was feeling was pretty deeply rooted.
Part of me didn't feel like dealing with this, because I knew it meant I had to get super vulnerable, and as often accompanies growth, I knew this was going to hurt...ALOT...before it got better. So when I walked into Krissy's house this morning, I felt this huge weight of anxiety and fear in my chest.
The fact of the matter is, I felt wronged. I felt that important and foundational spiritual and emotional needs had not been met in my life, and I wanted justice! So, rather than giving it over to God, my hurt and insecurities turned into unforgiveness and bitterness. And that unforgiveness was like poison to my heart, slowly but surely killing it piece by piece.
Now so far, this sounds like a pretty depressing story... I promise, it gets better!
So, like the good mentor that she is, Krissy agreed to help me work through this, since it would overwhelm me every time I tried to tackle it. So, we started off by asking God what was causing this anger, and continued on to ask him about where it had come from, to what lies I was believing about myself, based on what I had experienced years ago. So, slowly, with God's guidance, we began to work through why I was angry, and what the root of it was. Then it came time to forgive those people... And it was clear, I wasn't quite ready to let go of this quite yet, so we asked God why I didn't want to forgive them, and low and behold, He answered our question with a pretty blunt answer. You want to know what the answer was? I was afraid it was going to hurt too much to let go of it. And I realized that was true! This was something I had been carrying around with me for over six years! This was something I had gotten used to carrying around, so, of course it was going to hurt to deal with! On the other side, once you've found healing and forgiveness, it's easy to say, "the pain is worth it!" But, I'll be honest, I just didn't want to deal with the hurt! We kept digging in though, and asked God what forgiveness and letting go would do, and you'll never guess what I saw... I saw that dead and rotting heart that I talked about earlier, and a picture of my fist, clenched and holding on to the unforgiveness. And slowly, as my hand began to unclench and release the unforgiveness, I watched as those dead spots of my heart began to heal, and I heard the word "restoration."
You know what the best part is? He wasn't lying. As I began to pray once more for forgiveness and released the people I was holding in unforgiveness, I was overcome by an amazing sense of peace, and of the Holy Spirit washing over me, and restoring me! I can testify now, that the pain was worth it, as I walk around feeling joy and feeling a lightness that I hadn't felt when I was burdened with unforgiveness!
If you're struggling with unforgiveness, just know that God is there, just waiting to help you walk into freedom from it! Don't let it fester and grow and cause you to be taken more and more into captivity by it! Because He CAN walk you into a freedom you never knew you could walk in! And let me tell you, this freedom is sooooo much better than any skewed version of justice that you think unforgiveness is bringing you. Leave justice to God, I promise, he can see the whole picture, and He knows what He's doing!
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